she'll have some challenges ahead, no doubt about it. not the least of which making good on her promise to teach me how to dance. how to dance. i'm anderson cooper. -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com hello, everyone, and welcome to our special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. i'm don lemon. headlining tonight's event, well, of course president barack obama. along with comedian and tv late-night host conan o'brien, with an audience of journalists and celebs. insiders jokingly refer to this event as the nerd prom. we'll be carrying the president and conan live. and you will not want to miss one minute of it. but before we get to all of that we have to remember that this year is a little different. this is a live look at the memorial in boston's copley square. it has been a difficult two

weeks for too many americans in boston as well as in west texas. the president has been to both places in recent days, and we're going to see how those two tragic events are changing the tone tonight at the washington hilton. that's where we find our white house correspondent brianna keilar and entertainment correspondent nischelle turner. hollywood celebrities and political power players are gathering in the ballroom right behind you guys. so i want to start with you first, brianna. tell us about the tone in d.c. tonight, will you? >> i think, don, this is something that really does affect what you're going to see here tonight. a lot of times this is an event that is very light. you have a lot of celebrities. it's this interesting collision with washington. but when we were talking with a lot of people on the red carpet, they were very much aware of the fact that there was a terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago. and i think that's really on the minds of people. i spoke with tracy morgan, the comedian, and he said, you know, "my condolences go out to these

famili." and it was very much on his mind. and a lot of them i think are expecting for this to be talked about during some of the comments. what's interesting is you also spoke, nischelle, with attorney general eric holder. >> yeah, i did. i talked to the attorney general, don, just about -- and i asked him point blank, is it okay for us to laugh now? is it okay for us to laugh tonight in and he said yeah, it is, but it's also important for us to keep in the back of our minds that we have been through a lot as a country in the past couple weeks and to recognize that, but still to know that life does go on and life does move forward. so he felt like tonight was a good night to start that. and it's okay to have a little levity. so this should be interesting. >> and i noticed too as we were talking earlier, brianna, we asked, you know, the attorney general about a very serious subject, and he answered. but people, quite honestly, on social media were saying, hey, brianna keilar looks lovely, what kind of dress is she wearing tonight? but i think that people need a break a little bit. there's been so many serious things happening in the country.

and we turn one eye toward that and we pay our respects, but also, we need to exhale for a minute, nischelle. don't you agree with that? >> yeah, i do. and i also agree that brianna keilar does look lovely tonight. >> as does nischelle. she looks beautiful. >> she definitely does. when i first saw her, i walked up and said, wow. >> oh, guys. >> we see you whouts the white house, but va va voom. >> one thing everybody on the red carpet said tonight, i don't know if they said the same thing to you, but the celebrities here and the politicians that were here said they do want to laugh tonight, they are ready for some levity and they do think it's going to be a fun and exciting night. people were excited. >> they were excited. and i did hear that as well, don. obviously, this is something that's been on the minds of all americans and here in washington in the reaction to it and the fact that now this is an investigation. washington is very much involved in this. but we heard people saying, you know what, it's time for a little bit of a break and it's time to have -- to enjoy ourselves.

>> can i talk to you about this, guys? because as item looking at the list that you guys sent over of the people who are there, gaby douglas. we saw sharon stone, psy, julia louis-dreyfus, amy poehler, rebel wilson, a bunch of -- patricia arquette, michael j. fox, on and on and on. matthew perry. they're out in force, nischelle. >> yes. absolutely. this definitely is a night when hollywood's a-list does come play with washington's politicians. and they were calling it hollywood east meets hollywood west. so a lot of people were saying this was their first time, which i was surprised at, don, because people like matthew perry saying they had never been here before but then huh people like sharon stone who said oh, yeah, i think this is my fourth or fifth time. but she came here with a purpose. she's been fighting the good fight for aids research for so many years, and she said, i use this as an opportunity to keep pushing that agenda. and also she said she came here to say thank you because she felt like that a lot of progress had been made. so there's a lot of a-list celebrities here tonight.

you know, it's interesting, though, because the one person that i was so, so excited to meet was the guys from "duck dynasty." and i know we're going to talk to them a little later. i know. it's embarrassing. but i was so excited to meet the guys from "duck dynasty." and they did not disappoint. >> okay, ladies, so much to talk about. we're looking at live pictures now inside the dinner. and you see a list -- there's a list of bold-faced names that are showing up at this dinner. but i want to go back a little bit because i have to say, i loved it when president obama did the unexpected and pulled a fast one on the crowd last year. remember when he pretended to be overheard in the bathroom? >> could someone bath there please turn off the president's mike? i think -- the president's mike is hot. please turn it off. thank you. thank you. >> great. i've got to get warmed up. ♪ i ♪ i'm so in love god, i totally had that. seriously, guys, what am i doing

here? i'm the president of the united states, and i'm opening for jimmy kimmel? >> brianna keilar, you're our white house correspondent. you've been to a few of these events. take us behind the scenes as we look at these live pictures. do you know what inspires the president for these moments, for these events? >> well, a lot of what inspires the president is his staffers. what they do at the white house is his speech writers put out what's essentially an all call to folks all around the white house. there may be people that you would think you wouldn't know they're funny people. i've been told by speech writers by one of the former presidential aides, david axelrod is one of the people who is their go-to to get some good jokes from. they'll get some jokes from him and run them by the president. but it's really his staffers who have such a role in coming up with some of these jokes. and don, tonight is really president obama's chance to get even. and keep this in mind, no one is safe. at the white house

correspondents' dinner everyone is fair game. even the president's own cabinet. >> four years later she won't stop drunk-texting me from cartagena. >> reporter: political foes better watch out. in 2009 president obama took this jab at then house minority leader john boehner. >> after all, we have a lot in common. he is a person of color. although not a color that appears in the natural world. ♪ ♪ asked the girl what she wanted to be ♪ even pop stars make good targets. >> the jonas brothers are here. they're out there somewhere. sasha and malia are huge fans. but boys, don't get any ideas. i have two words for you. predator drones. you will never see it coming. you think i'm joking.

>> reporter: but just how far with can a president go? jon favreau is president obamas former speechwriter. >> these are really hard speeches to do because the really funny jokes you can't use. and then there's a whole bunch of jokes that just sound really cheesy because they're like typical politician jokes. is we're trying to get somewhere in between with the jokes that we write. >> reporter: it's generally safe for a president to take aim at himself. >> the state of hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate. tonight for the first time i am releasing my official birth video. ♪ >> we came up with that. it had been right around the controversy over the birth certificate when it was flown in and trump was making all these crazy accusations. >> reporter: in preparation for the dinner there's an all-call

for jokes at the white house. >> the speech writers at the white house reach out to the funniest people we know outside the white house. and we ask everyone for jokes. and we try to come up with jokes ourselves. usually, we just sit in the oval with him and he reads the jokes out loud. and as he's doing, that he makes et cete edits, he makes some lines himself, comes up with some jokes. >> reporter: in an election year this podium can be a great political weapon. >> it's great to be eyre this evening in the vast magnificent hilton ballroom, or what mitt romney would call a little fixer-upper. >> reporter: world events often intersect with the president's jokes. take this one in 2011. >> tim pawlenty. he seems all-american. but if you heard his real middle name, tim hosni pawlenty, what a shame.

>> reporter: he was initially going to say tim osama pawlenty, but right before the dinner he changed his mind. >> we walk in, we go over the jokes of the president, and he looks at them all and he said, these are great jokes, like them all, there's one punchline i want to change. i think bin laden's been played out and we don't need to talk about him. >> played out? not exactly. he was about to become big news 37. >> bin laden is dead. the united states has the body. >> i had no idea why until the next day, when i find out that the general that the president was talking to was -- he was giving the orders to give the go-ahead on the operation to pursue osama bin laden. >> interesting. >> so as you see, don, the news definitely dictates the tone here to some degree, and i think we're definitely expecting that to happen tonight, about two weeks after the bombings in boston. we expect president obama will acknowledge that. he will say of course that the

families -- that they have our condolenc condolences. and i think you'll see him perhaps stay away from certain things in his jokes. and ultimately, though, i think we're going to have some really good laughs, too. because even ahead of when he was going after osama bin laden we saw some pretty funny jokes as well. and it is a chance i think, and politicians and the celebrities who are here, they think this is a chance to have a good laugh, and i think we'll see that. >> it's not just the jokes they tell, but it's also the ones they leave out that may be even more telling than the ones they tell. >> sure. >> as he said, the funniest ones they can't even say. >> stand by, ladies, because this year conan o'brien is headlining the correspondents' dinner. last year it was jimmy kimmel's turn, and some said he went a little too far. we're going to let you decide. that's next. >> you know, president obama wanted to move the dinner to the kennedy center this year, but the republicans wanted to keep it here at the hilton. so they compromised. and here we are at the hilton. when our little girl was born, we got a subaru.

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...and we inspected his brakes for free. -free is good. -free is very good. [ male announcer ] now get 50% off brake pads and shoes at meineke. welcome back, everyone, to our live coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. we're going to take you live to the hilton in washington. nischelle turner is there, entertainment correspondent, as well as our brianna keilar, who's our white house correspondent. nischelle, you caught up with rebel wilson, who says she was

personally invited by the first lady. what's the back story there? >> yeah, she was nervous and excited at the sam time. she said she got this wonderful letter from the first lady personally inviting her to the dinner tonight. and that's because she was supposed to be at the white house for another event a couple weeks ago but she had to host the mtv movie awards. and i said, how do you send regrets to the white house? and if you do, don't you feel like you're never going to get invited again? she did say yeah, at first she was kind of shaken up about it, but then she was very excited to get that letter. here's what she told me. >> because michelle obama sent me a personal letter like inviting me. so i'm quite excited about it, yeah. >> what did it say? >> it said -- because i was supposed to go to something at the white house a couple of weeks ago, and i couldn't make it because i was doing the mtv movie awards. and she, you know, said, i hope to see you here this month. it was very nice. and i sent her a picture of our whole family in front of the white house, and she really appreciated that. >> now, i said to her, you know, what do you expect to see tonight in and she said, well,

her boss, conan o'brien -- because you know, she works with him. is going to be the master of ceremonies. so she was really excited to hear what he had to say, but she said, i'm not sure if he's going to go there because you can't really say some things, you know, you've got to keep them under wraps. i said well, you remember wanda sykes? she went there. who knows what conon brien's going to say? but i also caught one nike'll j. fox and you talked about some of the hollywood stars come to the white house correspondents' dinner with agendas, and definitely michael j. fox has been on the fight for finding a cure for parkinson's disease and he's a big proponent of stem cell research. so he said he was coming here tonight and he was going to talk to politicians about keeping that fight on the forefront. so listen to what he said. >> we've cleared past the things that weren't being done before. we're doing research on gene therapy, to regrow cells in the brain. and we're finding ways to -- to

measure parkinson's progress before symptoms are in existence so that we can do research early on. a lot of breakthroughs that are kind of behind the scenes you have to do in order to take the next step. >> and again, this was michael j. fox's first time at the white house correspondents' dinner. you would think for someone that's been in the industry, brianna, for so long like he has that he'd been here a time or two before. but no. alex p. keaton, it's his first time here. >> i'm glad you said it. >> that is surprising. >> i'm glad you said alex p. keaton because we all -- i have to say, i love him in "the good wife." his character in "the good wife" is amazing as well. >> and he's working on a new sitcom as well right now for nbc. so we should see him back on the screen again really soon. >> okay. lots to talk about. jimmy kimmel was the star attraction at last year's white house correspondents' dinner. it's always a delicate task making fun of the president when he's sitting just a few feet away from you. and as we wait for conan o'brien to take the sge tonight, let's

check out kimmel's performance. >> but it's an honor to be here. he told me when i was a kid that i would be signature on the same dais with president barack obama, i would have said, the president's name is barack obama? mr. president, you remember -- you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? that was hilarious. that was your best one yet. but honestly, it's a thrill for me to be here with the president, a man who has i think done his best to guide us through some very difficult times and paid a heavy price for it. you know, there's a term for guys like president obama. probably not two terms, but there is. even some of your fellow democrats think you're a pushover, mr. president. they would like to see you stick to your guns. and if you don't have any guns,

they would like to see you ask eric holder to get some for you. jake tapper wrote that. it's kind of hard to be funny with the president of the united states sitting right next to you looking at you. and yet somehow day in, day out joe biden manages to do it. i wish he was here -- i wish he was here so he could sit behind me and fake clap like he does during the state of the union addre address. are you enjoying this? is this fun for you? this is the first meal he had in months. they say diplomacy is a matter of carrots and sticks. and since mrs. obama got to the white house, so is dinner. you're very skinny. she doesn't let you eat. i felt weird about eating dessert. i left it untouched. i've never done that before. this is how you know this country's in bad shape. our president is starving. north korea is sending him food aid. >> very funny.

so conan o'brien performed at this year's dinner in 1995. a lot of those jokes are still pretty funny. we'll dig up that tape next. >> i wasn't aware that -- this is true, i hear. when you attend a function with the president, the secret service puts you through an extensive background check. yeah. it's a little embarrassing, actually. it turns out technically i'm still a virgin. but -- flying is old hat for business travelers. the act of soaring across an ocean in a three-hundred-ton rocket doesn't raise as much as an eyebrow for these veterans of the sky. however, seeing this little beauty over international waters is enough to bring a traveler to tears. we're putting the wonder back into air travel, one innovation at a time. the new american is arriving.

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ah. welcome back, everyone. there's the crowd inside the washington hilton. this is cnn's special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. i want to bring in our nischelle turner, w icoespondent and our white house correspondent brianna keilar. what's going on at the hilton? you guys are there. take us inside. >> yeah, we're home court. >> and you know what's interesting here, and we've heard celebrities say this, we've heard how is this different from other events, from hollywood events, and they say the security here is significantly advance compared to what they're used to. >> just found that out. >> he sure did. just a moment ago behind us. >> yeah, absolutely. i think he was trying to go one way that he wasn't supposed to go that was blocked off and security >> who was it? >> matthew perry. chandlng.bi of "friends" fame. >> chandler bing. >> yes. and he got intercepted and was told very nicely, curtly, you can't go that way, sir. but he's like wait, wait, wait, what's going on? it almost bake an issue.

but it wasn't. and he went the right way. >> with humor. >> security's very tight. it was cute. it was funny. >> it's not just hollywood. you're talking about matthew perry. but there are big names there, even in sports. brianna, i understand you spoke with louisville cardinal basketball player kevin ware. >> that's right. he's actually a get of cnn's here at this dinner. we're so glad to have him. >>waco. >> and don, we were able to interview a number of people, but for me personally i will tell you this was the highlight for me. 20-year-old louisville sophomore was -- i mean is a basketball phenom but really became a bit of an icon when we saw him just have that very tragic break of his leg last month during the game. louisville against duke. so i talked to him about what's ahead for him as far as basketball goes, but also what is he going to say to president obama, who is a big basketball fan? here's what he told me. >> kevin ware, how are feeling tonight? >> great. it's an honor to be here,

honestly. i know it sparked a lot of people. this is definitely a privilege. i appreciate it. >> what everyone wants to know, having watched your horrible injury during the elite eight, they want to know how you're feeling. >> good. i'm putting pressure on my leg already. everything's really ahead of schedule. i'm four weeks in this sunday, and i feel like i'll be fine in six months for sure. i'll be back playing next season like nothing happened, honestly. god mis hpen a he justst a wake. wanted to show me something differently, wanted me to slow down a little bit, and that's all. but um fine. >> i have amazing perspective. and you're here tonight, this is normally the nexus of hollywood and washington. you're sort of bringing the basketball, which i imagine president obama is pretty happy about as a big basketball fan. what do you think? >> i know obama picked indiana over us in the national championship. but like i said, this is definitely a privilege. i'm just really happy to be here. >> are you going to let him live that down, that he picked indiana over you? >> i have to tell him. >> so you're going to give him some flak for it. >> definitely. i'm going to give him some flak now and i'll give him some flak

when we come back to visit him at the white house. >> that's right. you're going to have a couple of visits here. do you think this will be an interesting experience, being here with all of these different characters? >> definitely. because these people i've seen in movies, government, a lot of stuff like that. so seeing these people in person and meeting great people like this is really a privilege. >> oh, mr. president. >> so he's going to give the president a piece of his mind. >> i love it. >> don't you love it? >> i absolutely love it. that takes some guts. because i think most people would just be like hello, mr. bulievhi >>nde's go it twice because louisville will come to the white house because they won the championship. >> absolutely. and brianna, it's funny because we were talking about how there's a lot of celebrities here, there's a lot of politicians but like kevin ware who's kind of become this pop culture icon, there's a lot of as well and -- sentativere >> her we go. >> yes, i know. yes, don, i said it. i was excited to meet the "duck dynasty" family. i was excited to meet willie robertson. and i did meet him. but i wasn't the only one.

my photographer jay wasited him. and here's what he told us about beingfirst-timert the white house correspondents' dinner. >> and i love that you like party on top and business at the back. >> yeah, i'm kind of -- i kind of mix and match. put together things that fit. and whatever didn't we just scrambled last minute and we're here. this is very humbling to be here. watched this on tv. and to be able to be here, it's just crazy. i'm just here mostly for the food, you know, that's what i'm looking for first. >> and the jokes. >> no, it's my first time here. so i'm not going to -- i'm just here to listen and learn and see what this is all about. >> i did ask him, do you have some sort of political agenda that you want to talk to people about? he said heck, no, i'm just here food, i want to be invited back, i want to bring uncle sy. i also talked to him because their season finale of "duck dynasty" gathered 9.3 million

viewers. that's phenomenal. people really love this show. and he said you know, it's just because we're regular people and we're funny. and they are. but i think like me there were a lot of people that were excited to seewill i think so too. it was a highlight. >> you know we joke about the old mullet like '80s hairdo. it wasn't even business in the front, party in the back. it was party all over. >> that was from zz top. >> party all over. >> just like tonight. >> exactly. >> oh, you guys are hilarious. this is great. listen, it's getting close, guys. the president will start speaking soon. >> all right. >> we'll bring his remarks to you live. but first, let's not leave former president george w. bush out of the fun. he had some memorable one-liners when he was in the white house. >> i want to talk about some serious issues such as -- >> okay. here it comes. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. >> nukular proliberation. swito

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white house correspondents' dinner. our special coverage happening right now. you're looking inside the ballroom at the washington hilton. and only a handful of people were invited to this event, but we have your ticket to washington's most exclusive ballroom. again, this is cnn's special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner. i'm don lemon.joing me are my b are there. nischelle turner and also brianna keilar standing by at the event. you know, 18 years later team coco is back in washington. conan o'brien rocked the house when president clinton was in office. he'll be back behind the mike in a few minutes. but first it's not just comedians who bring the laughs. presidents and first ladies are part of the fun, too.

>> and so the city slicker asked old guy how to get to the nearest town and -- >> not that old joke. not again. [ cheers and applause ] i've been attending these dinners for years. and just quietly sitting there. well, i've got a few things i want to say for a change. george always says he's delighted to come to these press dinners. baloney. he's usually in bed by now. i'm not kidding. i said to him the other day, george, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later. but george and i are complete

opposites. i'm quiet. he's talkative. i'm introverted. he's extroverted. i can pronounce "nuclear." >> i love that name, condoleezza. it's so soulful. you know, she's very professional. but condoleezza. come on. right there. condoleezza. it's two people, though. you know the name is broken down into the connie. that's the person you see on television with, you know, the nice hair and very professional. then there's the leezza. she the one with her hair wrapped up on the phone with her girlfriend watching b.e.t., talking about "girl, ain't that usher fine?" connie's the one, you know, being very diplomatic in the meetings, you know, well, that's good. it's great we're all on the same pattern because at the end of

the day, you know, freedom is what we all want. daleezza come out and be like north korea say what? okay. all right. all right. hold my purse, mr. president. hold my purse. >> as you know, i always look forward to these dinners. it's just a bunch of media types. hollywood liberals, democrats like joe biden. how come i can't have dinner with the 36% of the people who like me? >> if i want to talk about some serious issues such as -- >> okay. here it comes. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. nuclear proliferation. >> nukular praliberation.

♪ sing a little song all about the throng in wash ♪ ♪ tell a little joke and we're going to poke a lot of fun ♪ ♪ poke a lot of fun at washington ♪ >> i used to be tough. i'm not tough anymore, of course. i live in los angeles. i'm all lactose intolerant and into the kabbalah and everything. i travel the world adopting babies. i solve international crisis with my celebrity. stop war. the beautiful infidel is right. let us put down our weapons. what were we thinking? let us moisturize and text each other. >> the first black president. i know you're biracial. but the first black president. i mean, you're proud to be able to say that. you know, the first black president. you know, well, that's unless you screw up.

and then it's going to be what's up with the half-white guy, huh? the first lady, beautiful as always. you look very nice. and you know -- and how dare you people give her grief about baring her arms? the country is broke. all right? sleeves cost money. but you do need to keep your arms to yourself sometime. yeah. you know, you went over to london, touching the queen. you can't do that. you over there patting the queen on the back like she just slid into home plate. way to go, queen! >> as some of you heard, the state of hawaii released my official long-form birth certificate.

but just i case there are any lingering questions, tonight i'm prepared to go a step further. tonight for the first time i am releasing my official birth video. let's take a look. ♪ ♪ the circle of life >> these are my birth certificate jokes. so thank you for the timing on that, mr. president. now unusable. we were working on these jokes for months. one of my guys said, are you worried we're a little heavy on birth certificate jokes? what if he releases it before the dinner? and i was like, why would he do that? >> i also want to thank mr. mills, my tenth grade high school history teacher, who said i'd never amount to anything if i kept screwing around in class. mr. mills, i'm about to high-five the president of the united states. is that okay?

eat it, mills. thank you, everybody. >> very good stuff. you know, president obama going to take to the podium very soon there in washington. the chance to have some fun at the expense of his political opponents. coming up, some of mr. obama's best moments from last year's dinner as our special coverage continues. don't go anywhere. >> much has changed during my time in office. four years ago i was locked in a brutal primary battle with hillary clinton. four years later she won't stop drunk-texting me from cartagena.

well, he must have been a hit back in 1995 because conan o'brien is headlining the white house correspondents' dinner tonight for a second time. the host of "conan" on tbs was a boyish -- look at him. a 32-year-old when he first performed there 18 years ago. well, he'll take the stage again soon. so let's hear some of his routine with then president bill clinton looking on. >> i wasn't aware that -- this is true, i here. when you attend a function with the president, the secret service puts you through an extensive background check.

yeah. it's a little embarrassing, actually. it turns out technically i'm still virgin. but -- i went to the jefferson memorial. and i was very inspired because carved in the beautiful marble on the walls of the jefferson memorial are some really inspiring sayings. listen to this. first one at the top, "i have sworn upon the altar of god eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man." and then just below that, "i know but one code of morality for men, whether acting singly or collectively." and then way down at the bottom, carved in marble, it says, "p.s., if there's ever a movie about me, please don't cast nick nolte." some people say the president is going to have a tough race in '96. some say it's not going to be easy, it's going to be an uphill struggle. well, i speak for the 30 and under generation.

and mr. president, i want you to know, you don't have to worry about us because we don't vote. finally, i have an announcement for those of you watching tonight's event live on c-span. for god's sake, it's saturday night. come on. >> that was pretty funny. so -- and as we mentioned, conan takes the mike soon at the white house correspondents' dinner. he will top kimmel -- will he top jimmy kimmel from last year? we'll see. but let's bring in our ladies. this is the better looking of the group. there they are. you guys are getting so much love. i don't know if you can check your social media feeds, but everyone's like the one in the black -- i'm like they're both wearing black. and they're like yes, that's right. both of them. >> navy blue. >> you can't really tell on television. but they think you both look great. so take us behind the scenes. and is this something -- nischelle, you're from hollywood. brianna, you're in washington. do people get all, for lack of a

better word, gussied up and wear designer gowns like they're going to some big awards show? >> oh, yeah. first off we should say -- and this is woodley known so i don't think i'm hurting anyone's feelings. but washington is in jest affectionately called hollywood for ugly people. that is what people in washington call it. it's true. and i spoke to a celebrity tonight who say said you know what they call hollywood? i'm quoting daniel dae kim. they call it washington for dumb people. i said you're just being funny. but yes, they call this the nerd prom tonight, don. and this is a huge night. this is probably the biggest night in terms of when you're talking about events for d.c. it's gigantic. people are wondering what are you wearing. >> oh, i was asking that, which i thought was kind of odd that i would be asking in washington close to capitol hill, close to the white house. people, what are you wearing? but i was. and listen, olivia munn had on marqueza. it was like an oscar dress. >> nischelle.

>> these are big noo-time desig here. >> nischelle, you are based in hollywood. you're the entertainment reporter. it's not what are you wearing. it's -- >> who are you wearing. you're right. you're right. i'm sorry. >> so all of my friends who are in washington who are at this event who are asking me where i am, i'm not there. i'm in atlanta. i am anchoring the coverage. you guys are there. >> by the way, can i tell you something, don? i just thought of this. andy cohen, who of course we all love and know from -- >> i just spoke to him two weeks ago. we hung out here in atlanta. >> he was here tonight, and he said in honor of the first lady he was wearing j. crew. so it was high-end and low-end tonight on all fronts. >> all right. well, stand by. lots more to talk about. the president, conan o'brien getting ready to take the stage at the white house correspondents' dinner, live in washington. we're going to have that for you. don't go anywhere. see you, ladies, on the other side of the break. >> okay. copd makes it hard to breathe... but with advair, i'm breathing better.

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welcome back, everyone to our special coverage of the white house correspondents dinner. let's get you there live now because brianna and michelle are back with you. brianna you were working that red carpet and giving michelle

for her money and you caught up with the "modern family" stars. >> that's right. i talked to sophia vergara. she was interested as many of the celebrities we spoke with about what's going on in washington. as a latina she was interested in immigration reform. i talked to her about that. >> i think it's a very interesting night. i came last year. and this year when they invited me i immediately said yes. because well first of all to be part of an event where the president of the united states is going it's very important. for me as an immigrant i'm very honored to be here. and it's a lot of fun. last year i loved jimmy kimmel. >> anything going on in washington you're taking particular interest in right now? >> there's many things. i think latinos we're becoming more and more important for the votes.

so i think that's pretty important happening now. >> if you see president obama what are you going to say to him? >> i am going to say, hello, mr. president. >> i love it. >> that is so funny. hello mr. president. so many of them said i don't know i'd say hi. >> i mean, she is drop-dead gorgeous. like on an old hollywood like a sophia loren model, you know? >> absolutely. that's a very good comparison. so many of i would say the male party goers here this evening who i interviewed were very jealous i interviewed her. >> they're making an introduction. we'll talk to you soon. >> tonight we are serving tomorrow. we should be serving the public and the next generation of journalists. that's something i've thought a lot about since becoming president. to be fair i didn't have a lot of time. few people know what it's like

to have this much power for just about a year. other than conan [ laughter ] but we didn't just talk about change, we took action. starting when we decided to trademark our name. that was helpful when someone used our name to start a gifting suite. we knocked it down because that might be the norm at an oscars party but our dinner has to be about scholarships, not washington. next year will be the 100th year of the correspondents association. there's a lot of history. if you've got member mementoes or photos of previous dinners contact our web site. there's a place to submit some memories but also remember steve tuomo will be president next year. if you want tickets start calling him already. very quickly i want to run

through over the last year i've had a lot of people say so what do you guys do? i'm going to run through three prioriti we have. the first is we stand up for access. mr. president i know you know i've been agitating for more access to your white house and to your golf games. and i want to let you know i'm an equal opportunity agitator. last summer a few months before the election mitt romney opened their golf games to the press pool but not open their fund raisers. the president's were open. we pushed on romney. i got an e-mail from a romney aide. he said starting tomorrow cameras are going to be allowed into all the governor's fund raisers up. i said wow, i really made an impact. until a few minutes later christian welker came up to me. did you hear about this hidden camera in a romney fundraiser? [ laughter ] >> 47% she said it's a game changer. and i realize that's why the romney folks wanted to open the

fund raisers. they wanted to look more transparent. the point to me is that elected officials in both parties want more access when more access is in their interests. it's our duty to push for more access all the time, whether it's a democrat or republican in power, because it's in the public's interests. [ applause ] >> it's also easier to get that information that way instead of having to bug senator mcconnell's office. [ laughter ] >> now, the second thing we do is we stand up for our members. earlier this year several of our journalists became new moms. they had a hard time finding a place to pump breast milk at the white house. the press room has bathrooms that are pretty disgusting. this was not just a moral obligation, this was a legal obligation. you see the president's health care law, you might have heard of obama care? >> that is the president of the white house correspondents association talking about what the evening means. and then just moments ago when introducing what he's talking

about now very funny video with kevin spacey. let's look. >> everyone gets to sit. i really need you to release some of these tables. >> well, you know my motto, ed. you scratch my back, i won't lacerate yours. >> i have integrity, sir. i'm not going to cut a deal. >> i've seen your work, ed. let's not kid ourselves. this is the part where you leave. >> what on earth happened, frank? you know i was supposed to sit next to conan. >> it's for the greater good, valerie. >> greater good? please don't tell me it has anything to do with north korea, same-sex marriage, cabinet appointments. >> no. >> i'm not done, frank. taxes, middle east, cyber warfare, the fiscal cliff, social security, iraq -- >> valerie is it not going to happen. >> then i'm curious. if not me then who? >> he's the one that got fired "the tonight show" right? >> yes, then he moved over to

tbs. is that a real network? >> no, but neither is nbc. c we doter than conan? like jimmy kimmel? we're trying to rebrand. appeal to the youngsters. >> conan is the best we can do. >> fine. as long as you don't put pell pelosi at our table. she keeps trying to friend me on faceback. >> we'd like kim kardashian at our table. >> i need mike to start wearing pants to the white house briefings. >> i refuse to wear pants until the president gives us more access. >> just do as i say and "politico" gets a kardashian. oh, and mike, what is your home address? >> why do you ask? >> well, to send you the tickets, of course. >> i live at the office. >> nobody knows where he lives, congressman. we mail his paychecks to a po bofs. >> there's no need to be nervous. >> is valerie bad mouthing me to

the president. >> reply hazy. >> is she out for revenge? >> ask again late. >> look, i need you to -- >> frank you want to talk about immigration we can talk about immigration about the budget and jay-z and beyonce' in cuba. i don't talk about valerie and her magical powers. >> what's the problem? you two play basketball every tuesday. >> narf ball, frank. >> i'm willing to break you two up if you can get me tickets to a ravens game. >> are you kidding me? i'm all out, frank. how do you think i got elected? >> how about taylor swift at the verizon center backstage passes? >> now you're hitting me where i live. thank you, gentlemen. you are the coolest whips in town. you better believe it. >> you have to introduce me to ted sarandos at the dinner. i can't get my [ expletive ] netflix to work. >> i have three sources at the west wing saying valerie is on

the war path. >> you might think that. >> is it possible you've been hording tickets to the dinner? >> where are you getting that? >> ed henry. >> you mean mr. ed tegrity. i've got to go. that's jeff zucker on the other line. >> you tweet it and i'll retweet it. >> all right. >> done. i thought you wanted the immigration bill to pass. >> well, i stid but that stinky whore wouldn't give me my ravens tickets. >> ben, this is so much cooler than the correspondents dinner. >> a kcolonoscopy would be cooler. >> doesn't that position only last for a year? >> since when have term limits ever stopped you? and you should know, mike, ed drinks big gull bes. >> ed henry, kevin. i want him out. >> i'll make some calls. is that frank on the phone? let me talk to him.

>> frank, it's charlie rose. tell me why did you can sell last week? >> margaret thatcher died. i was in mourning. >> how about next week? >> i'm already booked on "the today show" but i'll be in touch. >> if i play ball will you at least get bloomberg off my back? >> only if you give me your absolute unquestioning loyalty. >> that's a pretty big ask. >> 42 seconds during the dinner to say whatever i want. >> take 45. >> washington and hollywood. some new faces, some old faces, some new faces on old faces. and i do sympathize, conan, not just for that back-stabbing leno but having to host. it must be so hard to write jokes about a town that already is one.

democrats, republicans, the white house, congress. you all came together to make this spoof. that's what real bipartisanship looks like. at least i get the job done. i hope some of you were taking notes. have a wonderful evening. and i'll see all of you at t bloomberg "vanity fair" party at least those who got the invite. oh, and mr. president, welcome to nerf pong. >> there you go. it's where hollywood and washington meet. and you know what, there was some great production value in that. great if washington could work together as kevin spacey said in real life. want to bring back in the ladies, michelle turner and brianna keilar. what production value that was. you can't write these things. it's probably more like washington than we dare believe. >> it definitely is. that's the thing that struck me,

don, to a viewer outside of the beltway there were many jokes in there that they're not going to get. because a lot of them are like inside washington jokes for sure. >> the funny thing is, kevin spacey we saw him a lot in that. there were so many people on the red carpet tonight, don, when i asked him, celebrities, politicians alike who are you looking forward to meeting here tonight? it was kevin spacey over and over again. they all said, you know, his parts he plays them a little too real. so they were all excited to meet him tonight. he is one of the best actors in hollywood. >> i loved the action i thought you were for immigration reform. i was until that stingy hoyer. brianna, you do get a lot of accents in washington. >> you do but not too many southern democratic accents these days. that has gone by the wayside.

he does play the democratic minority whip in the house. something that struck me you see it there many of the people we've introduced, don, are actors from television shows that have to do with washington. >> absolutely. >> bradley whitford of "west wing" alum, "house of cards." julia louis dreyfuss. >> and a lot of reporters there. washington reporters are guys from "politico," a lot of reporters were featured in that spoof. >> they were. >> by the way, just a little news entertainment news that we can break, i did ask bradley witford specifically will we see a "west wing" movie. it's been rumored in hollywood for such a long time. he told me no. because the last time the cast all got together they shot a bit for one of their cast mate sisters who was running for office. he said when they got together they just felt like it was like

the old guys club. it didn't feel right. he does not think we'll see a "west wing" movie. >> i hate to cut you guys off there. they're introducing the first lady now. we're going to listen and get back to you. >> who knew that ed henry has jokes? all right, ed. the reason why we are here today, i was talking to people as we were coming in, is conan o'brien going to be funny? yes. is the first lady beautious? yes, yes, yes, but the real reason we are here i don't care whether it's your first year here as a lot of people are in the room tonight or you've been here 20 plus, this room, this event never gets old because we are colleagues but we are also competitors. but there are a lot of people waiting in the wings who want to take our jobs. so before the evening started i went backstage to talk to them. i'd like without further adieu i'd like to introduce you to the real reason, the real vips in

the room tonight starting with howard university, christa braxton she add mites you bill o'reilley because you work so hard. but she wants to meet candy crowley. come on out. and the highlight they said is getting a picture with the first lady and the president of the united states. charmayne, rachel maddow is who she admires, she likes rachel's point of view on politics. trabina fort sohn she admires you, anna wintour. come on out, javina. from madil, ashley jopson told me she loves anybody from "vyse" because she loves documentaries.

bendix son loves anything local news. and those of us know local news. that's a good choice. the first lady said make sure you can see ashley. omar ramen admires you, [ inaudible ]. university of missouri from columbia, missouri, risa chin is a big fan of maria bartoromo. yan lu loves all things "60 minutes." at our table is psy sitting next to charlie rose. we asked psy what he really wants in this country. he says he wants a profile on "60 minutes."

i'm thinking you're sitting next to charlie rose. he knows people. i'll bet that could happen. jena cook loves you, conan o'brien. ponsidu loves all things cnn. kip ferrell says his favorite anchor person is jeff daniels from "news room." [ laughter ] >> he said he does news the way it should be done. okay, kip hill. steven rich loves you, jon stewart. come on out, steven. alexandria bakka had the best answer i thought. i asked everyone who do you admire? what shows do you watch? who's the favorite? who inspires you? alexandria thought, nobody, really. i want to chart my own course.

i love that answer. come on out, alexandria. >> steven rich in addition to jon stewart said brian fontana, special shout out to you, paul rudd. you'll know what that means. i notice you do. from northwestern, brena admires robin roberts. come on out, brena. from the university of california berkeley angela hart loves you, ryan lizza. she was very excited to meet you backstage. and last but certainly not least is jabrin ingram who says he loves shanet simpson of channel 11. may we please have a final round of applause for all the

scholarship winners? [ applause ] >> and while you're still standing come on out, brianna little. come on out. [ applause ] >> all right. gail king along with the first lady of the united states giving some awards to scholarship winners. we'll be right back. don't go anywhere. [ female announcer ] switch to swiffer sweeper,

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businesses more than two billion dollars to grow jobs, cut middle class income taxes to the lowest rate in sixty years, and we're creating tax free zones for business startups. all right, everyone, the president of the united states just introduced at the white house correspondents dinner. we go there live. >> thank you. thank you, everybody. how do you like my new entrance music? [ cheers ] >> rush limbaugh warneded you about this. second term, baby. [ cheers ] >> we're changing things around here a little bit.

actually my advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. they are a little more traditional. they suggested that i should start with some jokes at my own expense. just take myself down a peg. i was like, guys, after 4 1/2 years, how many pegs are there left?" [ laughter ] >> i want to thank the white house correspondents. ed you're doing an outstanding job. [ applause ] >> we are grateful for the great work you've done. to all the dignitaries who are here, everybody on the dais i especially want to say thank you to ray ordiano and all our men and women in uniform every single day. and of course, our extraordinary

first lady, michelle obama. [ applause ] >> everybody loves michelle. she's on the cover of "vogue" high poll numbers. but don't worry i recently got my own magazine cover [ laughter ] >> that, look, i get it. these days i look in the mirror and i have to admit. i'm not the strapping young muslim socialist that i used to be [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> time passes. you get a little gray. and yet, even after all this time i still make rookie

mistakes. like i'm out in california we're at a fundraiser having a nice time. i happen to mention that pamela harris is the best-looking attorney general in the country. as you might imagine, i got trouble when i got back home. who neweric holder was so sensitive? [ applause ] and then there's the easter egg roll. which is supposed to be just a nice fun event with the kids. i go out on the basketball court. took 22 shots, made two of them. that's right. two hits, 20 minutes. the executives at nbc asked, what's your secret? [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> so yes, maybe i have lost a set. but some things are beyond my control. for example, this whole controversy about jay-z going to cuba. it's unbelievable. i've gotten 99 problems and now jay z's one. [ applause ] that's another rap reference. don't. [ applause ] >> of course, everybody's got plenty of advice. maureen dowd said i could solve all my problems if i were just more like michael douglas in the american pueblo. i know michael's here tonight. what's your secret, man?

could it be that you're an actor and an aaron sorkin liberal fantasy? might that have something to do with it? i don't know. maybe it's something else. anyway, i recognize that this job can take a toll on you. i understand second term you need a burst of new energy. try some new things. and then my team and i talked about it. we were willing to try anything. so we borrowed one of michelle's tricks [ laughter ] >> i thought this looked pretty good. [ laughter ]

>> but no bounce. anyway -- i want to give a shout out to our headliner, conan o'brien. [ applause ] >> i was just talking to ed, and i understand that when the correspondents were considering conan for this gig they were faced with that age-old dilemma, do you offer it to him now or wait for five years and then give it to jimmy fallon? [ crowd oohs." >> that was a little harsh. i love conan. and of course, the white house press corps is here. i know cnn has taken some knocks lately. but fact is i admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story. just in case one of them happens to be accurate [ laughter ]

>> my former advisers have switched over to the dark side, for example david axelrod now works for msnbc. which is a nice change of pace since msnbc used to work for david axelrod. [ audience oohs ] >> the history channel is not here. i guess they were embarrassed about the whole obama is a devil thing. [ laughter ] >> of course, that never kept fox news from showing up. [ laughter ] >> they actually thought the comparison was not thefair -- t

satan. [ laughter ] >> but the problem is that the media landscape is changing so rapidly. you can't keep up with it. i mean i remember when buzz feed was just something i did in college around 2:00 a.m. [ laughter ] >> it's true. recently, though, i found a new favorite source for political news. these guys are great. i think everybody here should check it out. they tell it like it is. it's called whitehouse.gov. i cannot get enough of it. fact is, i really do respect the press. i recognize that the press and i have different jobs to do. my job is to be president, your

job is to keep me humble. frankly i think i'm doing my job better [ laughter ] part of the problem is, everybody is so cynical. i mean, we're constantly feeding cynicism, suspicion, conspiracies. you remember a few months ago my administration put out a photograph of me going skeat shooting at camp david? do you remember that? and quite a number of people insisted that this had been photoshopped. but tonight i have something to confess. you were right. guys, can we show them the actual photo? [ laughter ] >> we were just trying to tone it down a little bit.

[ laughter ] >> that was an awesome day. there are other new players in the media landscape as well, like superpacs. did you know that sheldon adelson spent $100 million of his own money last year on negative ads? he's got to really dislike me. to spend that kind of money. i mean, that's oprah money. you could buy an island and call it nobama for that kind of money [ laughter ] >> sheldon would have been better off offering me $100 million to drop out of the race. [ applause ] >> i probably wouldn't have

taken it. but i'd have thought about it [ laughter ] >> michelle would have taken it. [ laughter ] >> you think i'm joking. i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012. but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. and look, call me self-centered. but i can think of one minority they could start with [ laughter ] hello. >> i mean, think of me as a trial run, you know? see how it goes. if they won't come to me, i will

come to them. recently i dinner. it's been well-publicized i had dinner with a number of the republican senators. and i'll admit it wasn't easy. i proposed to toast. it died in committee [ laughter ] of course, even after i've done all this, some folks still don't think i spend enough time with congress. why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell, they asked? really? why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell? [ laughter ] >> i'm sorry. i get frustrated sometimes. i am not giving up. in fact, i'm taking my charm

offensive on the road. a texas barbecue with ted cruz. kentucky bluegrass concert with rand paul. and a book burning with michele bachmann. [ crowd oohs ] >> my charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about what's going on in congress. it turns out absolutely nothin . [ laughter ] but point of my charm offensive is simple. we need to make progress on some important issues. take the sequester. republicans fell in love with this thing. and now they can't stop talking about how much they hate it. it's like we're trapped in a taylor swift album [ laughter ]

. one senator who has reached across the aisle recently is marco rubio. but i don't know about 2016. the guy has not even finished a single term in the senate and he thinks he's ready to be president [ laughter ] >> kids these days. i on the other hand have run my last campaign. on thursday, as ed mentioned, i went to the opening of the bush presidential library in dallas. it was a wonderful event. and that inspired me to get started on my own legacy, which will actually begin by building another edifice right next to the bush library. can we show that, please? [ laughter ]

>> i'm also hard at work on plans for the obama library. and some have suggested that we put it in my birthplace, but i'd rather keep it in the united states. [ applause ] >> did anybody not see that joke coming? show of hands. only gallup? maybe dick morris? [ laughter ] now, speaking of presidents and their legacies, i want to acknowledge a wonderful friend, steven spielberg and daniel day-lewis who are here tonight. [ applause ] >> we had a screening of their most recent film "lincoln" which was an extraordinary film. i am a little nervous, though,

about steven's next project. i saw a behind the scenes look on hbo. well, let's just check it out. roll the tape. >> well, i was thrilled that "lincoln" was a success. and as i was thinking about what to do next, in the middle of the night i woke up and it hit me. "obama" the guy's already a lame duck so why wait? picking the right actor to play obama, that was the challenge. i mean, who is obama really? we don't know. we never got his transcripts. and they say he's kind of aloof. so i needed someone who could dive in and really become barack obama. and as it turns out, the answer was right in front of me all along. daniel day-lewis. he becomes his characters. hawkeye from "last of the mthe " lincoln in "lincoln". >> was it hard playing obama?

i'll be honest it was. it took awhile. hello, ohio. hello, ohio. how have you been? look. look. let me be clear about this. you wouldn't believe how long it takes to put these ears on in the morning. >> once we had daniel to play obama, we had to get the rest of the team. i think we've got pretty terrific performances. >> working with a legend like daniel is intimidating. but he makes everybody better. without him i never could have played joe biden. hi, i'm joe biden. >> the hardest part? trying to understand his motivations. why did he pursue health care first? what makes him tick? why doesn't he get mad? if i were him i'd be mad all the time. but i'm not him. i'm daniel day-lewis. [ applause ]

>> well, it's a remarkable transformation. i do really sound like that, though, honey? well -- groucho marx once said -- senator cruz that's groucho marx, not carl. he once told an audience "before i speak i have something important to say." and along those same lines i want to close on a more serious note. obviously there's been no shortage of news to cover over these past few weeks. and these have been some very hard days for too many of our citizens. even as we gather here tonight,

our thoughts are not far from the people of boston and the people of west, texas. there are families in the midwest who are coping with some terrible floods. so we've had some difficult days. but even when the days seem darkest, we have seen humanity shine at its brightest. we've seen first responders and national guardsmen who dashed into danger. law enforcement officers who lived their oath to serve and to protect. and everyday americans who are opening their homes and their hearts to perfect strangers. and we also saw journalists at their best, especially those who took the time to wade upstream through the torrent of digital rumors to chase down leads and verify facts and painstakingly put the pieces together to

inform and to educate and tell stories that demanded to be told. if anyone wonders for example whether newspapers are a thing of the past all you needed to do was pick up or log onto papers like "the boston globe." [ applause ] >> when their communities and the wider world needed them most, they were there, making sense of events that might at first blush seem beyond our comprehension. and that's what great journalism is, and that's what great journalists do. and that's why, for example, pete williams' new nickname around the nbc news room is "big papi." [ cheers and applause ] >> and in these past few weeks, as i've got an chance to meet many of the first responders and the police officers and volunteers who raced to help

when hardship hits, i was reminded as i'm always reminded when i meet our men and women in uniform whether they're in war theater or here back at home or at walter reed, bethesda, i'm reminded that all these folks, they don't do it to be honored. they don't do it to be celebrated. they do it because they love their families and they love their neighborhoods and they love their country. and so these men and women should inspire all of us in this room to live up to those same standards, to be worthy of their trust, to do our jobs with the same fidelity and the same integrity and the same sense of purpose and the same love of country. because if we're only focused on profits or ratings or polls, then we're contributing to the cynicism that so many people

feel right now. [ applause ] >> and so those of us in this room tonight, we are incredibly lucky. and the fact is, we can do better. all of us. those of us in public office, those of us in the press, those who produce entertainment for our kids, those with power, those with influence. all of us including myself, we can strive to value those things that i suspect led most of us to do the work that we do in the first place. because we believed in something that was true. and we believed in service and the idea that we can have a lasting, positive impact on the lives of the people around us. and that's our obligation. that's a task we should gladly embrace on behalf of all those

folks who are counting on us. on behalf of this country that's given us so much. so thank you all to the white house correspondents for the great work you do. god bless you all. may god bless the united states of america. [ applause ] >> thank you, mr. president. without further adieu i'd like to introduce mr. conan o'brien. [ applause ] >> thank you. thank you! thank you. please remain seated. that's not necessary. thank you very much. please, mr. president. don't stand.

that wouldn't be right [ laughter ] >> good evening. thank you. mr. president, mrs. obama, distinguished mention of the press and bon jovi. [ cheers ] >> yes. it's an honor to share this stage with the president. when you think about it, the president and i are a lot alike. we both went to harvard. we both have two children. and we both told joe biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event. we also have something else in common like the president i too recently got in some hot water by talking about a public official's good looks. it was the time i wouldn't shut up about that stone cold fox, secretary of transportation lahood. oh, man, i like the cut of his jib. but president obama, he had some great jokes. it was a pleasure watch you can stand up here and do what i do. so now it's only fair they get to do what you do. that's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i'll be mired in a tense, dysfunctional standoff

with congress. this is going to be fun. now right away i'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election. congratulations. as you all know, the president is hard at work creating jobs. since he was first elected the number of popes has doubled [ laughter ] >> and the number of "tonight show" hosts has tripled. congratulations! [ applause ] >> and while i'm at it i'd like to congratulate president george w. bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents. and if you go you can be the first to read them. [ crowd oohs ] >> you can't hurt me. [ laughter ] >> now ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i'm going to sharing is with you

people. and this doesn't leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence because we're on c-span. who doesn't love c-span? seriously. c-span. it's an entire channel shot with the backup camera on a ford explorer [ laughter ] >> congratulations to c-span for winning the bid to broadcast this event. they narrowly beat out hgtvq, tv south america and the hilton hotel how to check out channel. that's right, the hilton. it's great to be here at the hilton. is it just me or is it time to stop using price line to book this event? no, i love the hilton. i really love the hilton's motto. "sorry the radisson was booked." you know, i was worried that because of this sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel than the d.c. hilton. then i was told that's not

possible [ laughter ] >> but i do want to thank the hilton for accommodating us. they were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar [ laughter ] >> by the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that's been moved to salon b on the mezzanine. and if joe biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either [ laughter ] >> quick announcement before we really get going before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event please use the #incapable of living in the moment. [ laughter ] >> yeah. yes. yes. [ applause ] >> yeah. also to any u.s. senators here tonight, if you'd like to switch either your desserts or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. by the way, speaking of dinner, tonight's on trace were haliput

and filet mignon. or as john king reported it, lasagne and cous cous. there's a gavel here and i don't know why. here's a fun fact about tonight's food. everything you ate this evening was personally shot by wayne law pierre. don't worry. it was during a home invasion, though. the fish came in through the window [ laughter ] >> that wasn't peppercorn, that was bush shot, ladies and gentlemen. incidentally you may not know this but wayne la pierre is the executive vice president of the nra. which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the nra? he's not even at the top. also i'd like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the

seating charts. for a moment someone accidentally sat governor chris christie with the republicans. that was awkward and i apologize. very awkward. but speaking of tables, before dinner i had a chance to mingle. you probably saw me. i worked the crowd. i shook some hands. and sold my twitter account to al jazeera for $5 million. they'll buy anything [ laughter ] but it is an absolute joy to be here at the white house correspondents dinner. last year tom brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a list celebrities. when i told tom i would be attending this year he said "that's more like it." [ laughter ] >> that shouldn't be funny to you. but this is really a star-studded event. this year you've taken us to new heights. i have to congratulate you. new heights. because you've got some of the guys from duck dynasty here.

duck dynasty. yeah. the guys from duck dynasty are here which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said no. no, i love duck dynasty. don't get me wrong. but guys i really don't think your stripe fan whistle is going to -- oh, my god he's here. that's incredible! i always hated that one. as some of you know this is my second time speaking at this event. i was last here 18 years ago back in 1995. a lot's changed since then. today you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. back in '95 we talked that george stephanopoulos. [ crowd oohs ] >> i can't see if george is here because there's a crouton in the wa way. >> it's amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. think about it.

if in 1995 you'd told me that in 2013 we'd have an african-american president with a middle name hussein who was just re-elected to a second term in a sluggish economy, i would have said, oh, he must have run against mitt romney [ laughter ] >> by the way, no offense, mr. president. i do congratulate you on your victory. but as a late night comedian i was kind of pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced olympics [ laughter ] >> the demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades, and i look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. then my opening line will be "buenos noches." si.

especialamente mario lopez. but my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. if the president laughs, everyone laughs. and if the fox news table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike [ laughter ] >> how you doing, bill? yes, all the washington news media here tonight, including the stars of online journalism, i see the huffington post has a table. yeah. which has me wondering if you're here, who's covering mily cyrus's latest nip slips? who's assembling today's top 25 yogurt-related tweets? seven mistakes you're making with bacon. that's a real one and you should be ashamed of yourself [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> by the way, just before dinner i tried to say a quick

hello to ariana huffington but she made me watch a 30-second ad first. yes, a lot of online stars are in the room, but unfortunately matt drudge couldn't make it. yeah, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997. of course, the washington print media is joining us this evening for two very good reasons. food and shelter [ laughter ] >> you know, how are you? you know, some people say print media is dying, but i don't believe it. and neither does my black smith [ laughter ] >> you got to meet zachariah, he's great. ""newsweek"" after 80 years

published its last print issue. "time" magazine meeting gloating but they really shouldn't because time wit outlive "newsweek" the way juliet outlived romeo. read the play. it's very smart [ laughter ] >> these are so tough for old media that reuters is having its after party right here at the hilton. because nothing says we're having a great year like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner [ laughter ] >> with that in mind, reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of their glass. [ laughter ] >> and to be fair, print media still has a big star in bob woodward, okay? got to give it up for bob booed ward. yeah. yeah. yeah. earlier this evening a waiter asked mr. woodward if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, stop threatening me

[ laughter ] >> tonight some of the big names in television news, when it comes to television news we have a divided media landscape. fox news is watched by conservatives. cnn is watched by the people who clean the offices at cnn. msnbc is watched by liberals. cnn's ratings are so low, now when the logo comes up james earl monroe jones says "you're watching cnn?" what the hell? i have to say in the past few years, cnn has made some very odd moves. for example, they replaced the popular larry king with one of the scheming footmen from down ton abby. piers rides right into that show. it's great to see my old friend at msnbc. chris matthews is here.

he has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. by the way, during the boston coverage on msnbc last week, chuck todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information. there's no joke here. i'm just letting the people at cnn know that you can do that. [ crowd oohs ] >> this is a learning experience. hello to fox news star bill o'reilley. he's become quite the author. he's had two recent best sellers "killing kennedy" and "killing lincoln." he had one that was not so popular "the peaceful death of cats." what were you thinking? the truth is, bill o'reilley is now working on his next book out this fall. this time it's about the killing of jesus. it will be the first time in history jesus's death is blamed on obama care. >> two quick shoutouts to pbs

and npr. now pbs, yes. those pbs people love to party. guys if you party tonight be safe. wear a tote bag [ laughter ] >> it works. you got to love npr. npr's still the number one source for news delivered as if there's a toddler sleeping in the next room. shhh. nbc news is in the house. good lord they've had a rough go of it, huh?" the today show" let go of ann curry after being told ann curry said let me get this straight. al roker tells the world he crapped his pants at the white house and i'm getting fired? al's the reason there are no more tours at the white house. they're still hosing it down. [ audience boos ] [ laughter ] >> brian williams is here. brian i'm a big fan of your show. "rock center with brian williams." imagine brian delivering the

evening news on a different floor of the building a little later with a slightly different tie. it's a min blower. you got to check it out. but as i look around the room and i see all the media here tonight i realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria. think about it. fox is the jocks. msnbc is the nerds. bloggers are the goths. npr is the table for kids with peanut allergies [ laughter ] al jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to. and print media, i didn't forget you. you're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. yeah. cheer up. we dedicate the yearbook to you [ laughter ] >> of course, probably the

biggest story that people in this room covered this past year was the republican failure to recapture the white house. hard to believe the republicans didn't fare better in the election with the support of celebrities like ted nugent and meatloaf. i guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans [ laughter ] >> but the republican party is on the mend. one rising star on the right is senator marco rubio. or as he's known in the republican party, our black guy [ laughter ] >> yeah. by the way, as of today the u.s. senate has a record number of african-american senators, two. two. in other words, there are now more african-americans in the senate than in a mumford and sons concert [ laughter ] >> thank you, younger people.

paul ryan. "i don't understand" what's he babbling about" who's this man? paul ryan recently, he really burst through last year when he ran for vice president. after the election ryan said president obama was re-elected because of the high turnout of urban voters. then when he was asked just how he liked his coffee ryan said, no milk, no sugar, just urban [ laughter ] >> well, there's rnb chairman reinse priebus. tonight he's sitting right in between his brothers, lather priebus and repeat priebus [ laughter ] >> house majority leader eric cantor is here. or as i like to refer to him,

yet another jewish republican from the south [ laughter ] gets old. that reminds me also joining us is a congressman from new york named steve israel. that's right, he's from new york and his name is israel. now, there's pandering and then there's pandering [ laughter ] >> that's like having a congressman from south carolina named jesus h. gun. [ laughter ] >> my name's gun. jesus h. gun. yeah. you've got to use this thing. it's fantastic! i only used it once! i mentioned republican governor chris christie earlier. chris christie and shaquille o'neal are sitting at the same dinner table. so let's give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter [ laughter ] >> that poor bastard.

he's going to lose an arm. i believe we have one or two supreme court justices here. the supreme court seems divided over same-sex marriage. the liberal justices favor it while the conservatives oppose. any lifelong sacred union between two men unless of course it's antonin scalia and clarence thomas. [ audience boos ] >> what the hell was that? no surprise that speak john boehner isn't here tonight. speaker boehner and president obama are still struggling to get along. president obama and john boehner are kind of like a blind date between anderson cooper and rachel maddow. in theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing's ever going to happen [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> speaking of nothing happening, we're all hoping of course that nothing happens with north korea. and that got me wondering, what is with kim jong-un? in the past we've had really scary enemies like saddam hussein and hitler. now our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like rosy o'donnell at the emmys. kim jong-un doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him. what that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. it's called florida. yes, it is [ laughter ] >> yes, president obama has a lot on his plate right now. he's now at that very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. we all know that as a child he lived in indonesia. he studied at a muslim seminary

and occasionally ate dog [ laughter ] >> so clearly from the beginning he was a kid who had his eyes set on the u.s. presidency. check check and check [ laughter ] >> here i come. [ laughter ] >> now i know the relationship between the president and the press can seem a bit strained at times. some in this room have even accused the president of being distant and aloof. when i asked the president about it earlier he said "oh," and then walked away [ laughter ] >> of course it's only natural but mr. president your re-election was a little less exciting the first time around in 2008. on election night in 2008 you celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in chicago's grant park. it was fascinating. this time around you split a charred dog with david axelrod at the wiener circle. it just didn't have the same buzz. and by the way, i have a question. and i think some of you also have this question. it's been several months since you were re-elected, sir.

so i'm curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? you won do you have a gambling problem we don't know about? did you pull it on on gonzaga? you didders didn't you? he did. president obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. sir you recently appointed john kerry and chuck hagel. very smart move. you appointed the only two people in the united states who look even more tired than you. it's a great strategy. mr. president, you're going to leave office as a very young man. and yet the presidency has taken its toll. i don't want to alarm you, sir, but you're starting to look like a judge on "law and order." [ laughter ] >> just say you're on thin ice, counselor. you could have that part right away. seriously, mr. president, your hair is so white it could be a member of your cabinet.

[ crowd oohs ] >> he can handle it. he recently picked his new treasury secretary jack liu. it gives me great joy to know if the president ever has to let him go he'll get to say "it's not liu it's me." the quote i hear about the president is that he's always the coolest guy in the room. that's what everyone says, he's the coolest guy in the room. here's my question. who else is in that room? it's not hard to be a cool one when the other guys in the room are bide enhagel and kerry. i'd be cool if i was showing steven shu how to do the harlem shake. now i've made some jokes about the president this evening. and i'm looking forward to my audit [ laughter ] >> it's coming. i know, sir, it's coming.

but i would like to take a moment here and change gears and say something to the president regarding the events of the past two weeks. some of you may not know. this i grew up in boston. my parents still live there. and my brother luke raised his family in watertown. i'd like to take this opportunity to thank you, mr. president, for visiting that great city and helping its people begin to heal with your inspiring words. it made a huge difference. [ applause ] >> it's been said recently that you don't mess with boston. as someone who grew up there i'd like to echo that sentiment. it's really pretty simple. if you're going to pick on a city, don't choose one where nine out of ten people are related to a cop [ laughter ] >> don't do it. it's stupid. and that includes myself. i have one more thing to mention before i go.